Words matter. This article shares three common parent phrases that can rupture conversations and offers alternatives to better connect with kids and teens.
With two teenagers under my roof, maintaining connection while also giving my kids space and independence is a balancing act. It requires knowing when to lean in and when to let them be. I don’t always get this right, but I’m trying to cultivate a level of closeness that provides the love and support they need throughout their teen years.
Research indicates that parent-child closeness fosters children’s emotional stability and well-being. This can be tricky, as teens tend to avoid opening up to their parents. And parents inadvertently do and say things that shut down communication with their kids.
What do parents say that shuts down communication?
When a child or teen is in distress, whether it’s sadness, worry, or anger, they need their parent’s love and support. Yet, parents’ first instinct is often to tell their child not to feel the way they do. We hate to see our kids hurting or struggling, so we jump into “fix-it” mode. Phrases like “Don’t be disappointed” or “Don’t be sad” escape our mouths.
Although well-intentioned, these responses invalidate the emotions kids and teens are experiencing. Plus, the knowledge that their parent does not understand leaves them feeling alone. Over time, the child learns that opening up about how they feel makes them feel worse.
What should parents say to connect and foster communication?
It’s important to remember that feelings are real and what your child is experiencing at that moment. To honor those feelings, here are some phrases to use and avoid.
Three Parent Phrases to Avoid or Say to Connect With Your Kids
Avoid: Don’t be mad. OR You shouldn’t be mad.
Instead Say: You are mad. I understand. You have every right. OR
You’re angry. I’m sure you have a good reason. I want to hear about it.
Avoid: Don’t worry.
Instead Say: That’s a big worry. I get it.
Avoid: You shouldn’t feel that way. OR You are too sensitive.
Instead Say: You have every right to feel ____________. That’s hard.
Empathy and Validation – Parent Paths to Connect with Kids
A hefty dose of empathy and validation helps kids and teens feel understood and connected to you. Often, empathy is all they need to start feeling better, and sometimes, it opens the door to effective problem-solving. Simply knowing a parent understands allows kids to feel secure and forge ahead. Every parent-child interaction that has that effect builds closeness, one conversation at a time.
About the Author:
Jessica Speer is the award-winning author of books for kids and teens, including The Phone Book – Stay Safe, Be Smart, and Make the World Better with the Powerful Device in Your Hand, BFF or NRF (Not Really Friends)? A Girls Guide to Happy Friendships and Middle School – Safety Goggles Advised.
Blending social science, stories, and activities, her writing guides readers through tricky stuff that surfaces during childhood and adolescence. She holds a Master’s Degree in Social Sciences and has a knack for writing about complex topics in a way that connects with kids and teens. Jessica regularly contributes to media outlets on content related to kids, parenting, friendship, screens, and social-emotional learning. For more information, visit .JessicaSpeer.com
I really appreciate your post on three parent phrases to avoid. As a mom, I can definitely relate to the challenges of maintaining connection while also giving them space and independence. I’ve definitely said all of the phrases you mentioned at one point or another, and I’ve seen how they can shut down communication.
I’m going to try to be more mindful of the words I use with my kids, and I’m going to focus on validating their feelings instead of telling them how they should feel. I think that will go a long way in building trust and communication.
One thing I do with my kids is encourage them to move to get their emotions sorted out. Exercise of any kind is good for mental health and processing big feelings. I’ve created a lot of workouts over the years to help them.
Thanks for sharing your insights! I’ve written about this topic as well, and it’s nice to know I’m not the only one saying this stuff. Perhaps we could collaborate?