FRIENDSHIP QUESTION: What if my kid does not want to be friends with someone who wants to be friends with them?
Throughout childhood, kids are taught to be kind and to treat others as they would like to be treated. But, what if your child or teen prefers not to be friends with someone? Maybe they don’t enjoy spending time with this person, or they feel it’s not a good fit. How do parents and caregivers encourage their kids to be kind while also helping them respond to their own needs?
This question comes up often. And it’s a tough one for kids and adults to navigate. Essentially it requires balancing kindness with boundaries. To start, it helps to discuss the importance of “kindness in shared spaces.”
Kindness in Shared Spaces
Shared spaces include public and online places where people gather, such as schools, teams, social media, and friend groups. Some shared places are filled with kindness. Others are not, making it easy for kids to follow suit.
Through guidance and role modeling, parents, teachers, coaches, and caregivers help kids learn how to navigate shared spaces with inclusivity and kindness. To support their learning, it is helpful to identify behaviors to avoid in shared spaces.
Behaviors that Diminish Kindness in Shared Spaces:
- A few kids whispering to each other in front of their classmates
- Spreading negative gossip or rumors
- Not allowing a person to sit at a lunch table
- Name-calling, labels, or rude comments that degrade others
- Body language (such as eye rolls or glares) that belittles someone
Yes, all of these behaviors are quite common, especially during the preteen and teenage years. As kids and teens grow and develop their social-emotional skills, mistakes and unkind behavior often occur. We are all human and learning as we go. Consistently identifying and modeling kindness cultivates more kind behaviors.
Kindness in Shared Spaces While Maintaining Boundaries
If your daughter or son does not want to be friends with someone, that is okay. This is an opportunity to practice kindness while learning how to set and maintain healthy boundaries. What does this look like in practice? Being kind while:
- politely declining an invitation to hang out outside of school
- avoiding name-calling, gossiping, and turning others against the person
- responding to conflict in a way that does not add more meanness to the situation
Preteen and Teen Social Networks are Complex
The social lives of preteens and teens are intertwined and ever-changing, which can make maintaining boundaries challenging. It is hard to set a boundary when you sit next to someone in class every day. And it is hard not to be friends with someone in your friend group.
To help kids navigate their social world, it’s helpful to remind them of these truths.
- They may not like everyone in their friend group in the same way. They may prefer some friends over others, which is natural. Learning to navigate this dynamic is helpful throughout life.
- The larger the social group, the more likely it is to experience strife and conflict. Conflict is unavoidable, and the larger the social group, the more likely it is to occur. Finding healthy ways to navigate conflict helps.
- Social worlds are always changing. Friendship have different phases and change over time, especially during adolescence. Friendship changes are not easy, but common throughout life. Learning how to handle friendship changes and transitions with kindness is an important life skill.
FRIENDSHIP QUESTION: What if my kid doesn’t want to be friends with someone who wants to be friends with them?
Friends, Kindness and Boundaries
Kindness while maintaining boundaries is a vital skill that proves essential throughout life. Families and schools play a key role in modeling and cultivating a culture of kindness. It takes steady effort and attention, but it’s worth it. The world needs more kindness.
About the Author: Jessica Speer is the award-winning author of BFF or NRF (Not Really Friends)? A Girls Guide to Happy Friendships, Middle School – Safety Goggles Advised and The Phone Book. She has a master’s degree in social sciences and focuses her research and writing on social-emotional topics for kids and families. To learn more, visit, .JessicaSpeer.com