As my daughters progressed through elementary school and into middle school, it’s been interesting to observe the changing social norms of boy-girl friendships.
For some years, these friendships were natural. Boys were invited to birthday parties and over to play. Other years, that was no longer okay. Invite lists included only girls, and school lunch tables were mostly divided by gender, as were recess games.
Our family has always encouraged friendships with members of the opposite gender, but sometimes, social norms are so strong that these friendships can’t blossom.
The Positive Impact of Boy-Girl Friendships
Yet research finds that girl-boy friendships are important because they give kids a chance to explore themselves outside of gender scripts. This recent CNN article shares some of the benefits of boy-girl friendships, including:
- Learning how to resolve conflict in different ways. Girls tend to “talk it out,” while boys may stick to rules. Experiencing diverse ways of conflict resolution builds skills that benefit future relationships.
- Girl-boy friendships give boys a chance to express their feelings. Research by Michael Thompson and others reveals boys long for emotional connection just as much as girls do.
- And boy-girl friendships encourage kids to question stereotypes and explore parts of themselves that our culture pressures them to bury. For instance, a girl playing with a boy might feel free to be competitive, a trait normally associated with boys. Or, a boy playing with a girl might feel free to be talkative and emotional, traits normally associated with girls.
How do Parents Foster these Friendships?
Here are a few tips I’ve found useful.
- Offer a variety of play options, including boys and girls, but do not force kids into situations they are uncomfortable with. Allow them to take the lead on choosing.
- If your child has a friend of the opposite gender, avoid teasing them about being “boyfriend/girlfriend.” Instead, send the message that it’s perfectly okay to be friends with kids of the opposite gender.
- Make time to connect with cousins, neighbors, and close family friends of the opposite gender. At times, social norms might be so strong that boy-girl friendships are limited at school. Weekends and family time offer a great opportunity for kids to develop friendships.
All childhood friendships serve as a training ground for developing skills that support healthy relationships throughout life. I hope these tips help your family explore and avoid gender stereotypes, as well as appreciate the value of diverse friendships.
About Jessica Speer:
Jessica Speer is the award-winning author of books for kids and teens, including The Phone Book – Stay Safe, Be Smart, and Make the World Better with the Powerful Device in Your Hand, BFF or NRF (Not Really Friends)? A Girls Guide to Happy Friendships and Middle School – Safety Goggles Advised.
Blending social science, stories, and activities, her writing guides readers through tricky stuff that surfaces during childhood and adolescence. She holds a Master’s Degree in Social Sciences and has a knack for writing about complex topics in a way that connects with kids and teens. Jessica regularly contributes to media outlets on content related to kids, parenting, friendship, screens, and social-emotional learning. For more information, visit .JessicaSpeer.com
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