This article helps caregivers develop an understanding of co-regulation and ways to provide emotional safety and grounding to support kids in learning to regulate their emotions and nervous systems.
Well over a decade ago, just as I was starting my work with kids and families, I heard the following quote.
“A dysregulated adult cannot help a child regulate.” – Dr. Bruce Perry, Psychiatrist
This statement churned in my stomach as I remembered times my nervous system was too dysregulated to help my kids regulate theirs. Sometimes I responded to their emotional outbursts and struggles with steadiness and support. Other times, I was unsettled, and my response was tinged with frustration or the need to fix the situation. The latter usually escalated their emotions (co-escalation) until I managed to regulate my nervous system.
Our nervous systems constantly fluctuate between states of dysregulation and regulation. The nervous system’s job is to scan for threats after all. When caregivers model moving from a dysregulated state to a regulated state, it reassures children and teens, helps them settle, and models ways they can regulate themselves.
What is Co-Regulation?
Co-regulation happens when a steady, supportive adult provides the relational safety and physiological grounding to help a child learn to navigate difficult emotions. It is foundational to a child’s development of independent self-regulation and stress processing. Through consistent co-regulation, children learn to identify stress, understand that it is survivable, and build pathways for healthy coping.
The Impact of a Steady, Nurturing Caregiver
Kids and teens learn to manage stress and uncomfortable emotions through repeated co-regulation by their caregivers. Decades of research show that stable, nurturing caregiving early in life is essential for children’s healthy social-emotional development. Of course, caregivers are not going to get this right 100% of the time. But with awareness and intention, we can support our kids with co-regulation more often.
Understanding Co-Regulation
Effective co-regulation includes being a steady, safe presence when kids and teens are struggling with difficult emotions. Instead of invalidating their feelings or jumping in to fix the problem, caregivers help kids navigate their discomfort. Through co-regulation, kids’ nervous systems feel and respond to their caregivers’ state of regulation. This steady presence helps kids know everything is going to be okay.
Ways to Practice Co-Regulation During Difficult Moments
- Notice Your State: During challenging moments with your child and teen, check in with your nervous system. Regulate yourself by taking deep breaths, feeling your feet on the floor, or moving your body to release tension. This supports caregiver self-regulation and models regulation for children.
- Model Steadiness: Speak to your child in a slow, soft tone. Relax your shoulders and slow your breathing.
- Validate Before Correcting: Help kids name their emotions. For example, “It looks like you are really frustrated right now.” This validates their feelings without validating any negative behavior. Naming emotions begins to tame them and helps kids build emotional intelligence.
- Offer Simple Choices: Give younger kids simple choices to restore their sense of autonomy. For example, “Do you want to take a break in the reading corner or go for a walk outside?”
Co-Regulation at Different Ages and Stages
Infants and toddlers do not know how to self-regulate and depend on caregivers’ co-regulation to develop self-soothing skills. Here are different regulation strategies across different developmental stages.
- Infants & Toddlers: Heavy emphasis on physical soothing, soft singing, face-to-face mirroring, and predictable routines.
- School-Aged (5-12): Focus on labeling feelings, simple calming strategies, and creating safe, quiet spaces.
- Adolescents (13-18): Focus on being a steady, non-judgmental presence, active listening, and encouraging reflection
Summary – Understanding and Practicing Co-Regulation
As caregivers, we don’t always do this perfectly. We have good days and bad days, just like our kids and teens. Understanding and practicing co-regulation takes time. When we realize that we responded to our child in a dysregulated, unhelpful way, we have an opportunity to repair. Later, we could say to our child, “This morning, I did not respond to your frustration in a helpful way. I became frustrated, too and yelled. I am sorry for that. The next time I get frustrated, I’m going to take some deep breaths, pause, and try to respond in a more helpful way. “
Repair restores connection and models taking responsibility for our actions. Even repairs made years later offer healing in parent-child relationships. In the end, co-regulation is more than a way to manage emotional outbursts. It guides children toward self-regulation and provides emotional safety. By showing up as a steady, regulated anchor, you help kids build their own resilience. While the journey isn’t always easy, every moment of steady connection strengthens their foundation and skills.
About Jessica Speer
Jessica Speer is the award-winning author of books for kids and teens, including The Phone Book – Stay Safe, Be Smart, and Make the World Better with the Powerful Device in Your Hand, BFF or NRF (Not Really Friends)? A Girls Guide to Happy Friendships and Middle School – Safety Goggles Advised.
Blending social science, stories, and activities, her writing guides readers through tricky stuff that surfaces during childhood and adolescence. She holds a Master’s Degree in Social Sciences and has a knack for writing about complex topics in ways that connect with kids and teens. Jessica regularly contributes to media outlets on content related to kids, parenting, friendship, screens, and childhood development. For more information, visit JessicaSpeer.com