Friendship Truth #9: You choose which of your friendships to grow. Grow the healthy ones.
This series of posts shares the nine Friendship Truths from BFF or NRF (Not Really Friends)? A Girls Guide to Happy Friendships – although they apply to all ages and genders. Here are links to the other posts in this series: Friendship Truth #1, Truth #2, Truth #3, Truth #4, Truth #5, Truth #6, Truth #7, Truth #8, Truth #9 and The Friendship Pyramid.
Over the past year, I’ve been sharing posts about the Friendship Truths from BFF or NRF (Not Really Friends)? A Girls Guide to Happy Friendships. These truths normalize everyday experiences, helping preteens, teens, and adults navigate relationships. Here’s the final post in this series, Friendship Truth #9.
Friendship Truth #9: You Choose Which of Your Friendships To Grow. Grow the Healthy Ones.
The social networks of kids and teens are complex webs. These webs may include friendship groups, classmates, acquaintances, neighbors, teammates, and more. Because this network is intertwined, it is no easy task for kids who want to stop engaging with someone.
For example, how do kids navigate ending a friendship with someone in their friend group? Or, how do they move away from being friends with a person they sit next to in class every day? Navigating changes in friendships is tricky, especially for kids and teens.
Yet, it is possible to make space with grace in some relationships and put more energy into others. That brings up Friendship Truth #9: You choose which of your friendships to grow. Grow the healthy ones.
Kids sometimes think they are being inauthentic if they are not upfront with someone they don’t like or want to be friends with. They may feel they need to share exactly what is on their mind and formally break off the relationship.
In reality, it’s helpful for kids to learn that this is not inauthentic. It happens all the time. By adulthood, people learn how to be civil and kind to people they don’t want to cultivate friendships with, whether at work, in neighborhoods, in family networks, etc.
How do kids make space in some friendships and put more energy into others?
- Politely declining invitations to hang out one-on-one with someone you don’t wish to pursue a friendship with and being kind in group settings
- Avoiding aligning others against someone or talking about that person in a bad way with friends
- Spending more time and energy on friendships that are reciprocal and supportive
However, this is not easy in the complex social networks of kids and teens. As kids and teens develop social-emotional skills, they learn how to navigate complex social dynamics. They learn to resolve conflict, set and respect boundaries, and connect with others. It’s a process of trial and error as they learn about themselves and their relationships.
Here’s how caregivers can support kids as they grow healthy friendship skills
- Empathize and validate emotions – Recognize how hard it is to navigate the situation. Let kids share their experiences without jumping in to fix or judge. By listening, caregivers give space for kids to process their experiences and emotions.
- Encourage kids to think about how they might resolve the conflict or create space with grace – Have them identify ways they might create space or resolve the conflict. Encourage kids to consider other friendships and groups, just in case things don’t work out as planned. When it comes to adolescent friendship, it’s a good idea not to have all eggs in one basket.
- Remind them that everyone changes – Kids make significant changes throughout elementary, middle, and high school. Often, difficult kids in elementary and middle school grow into very different people in high school and beyond. At the same time, encourage kids to notice friendships that feel good and to invest their energy in these friends.
Summary: Growing Healthy Friendships
Friendship Truth #9 emphasizes the ability to choose which friendships to nurture, highlighting the importance of cultivating healthy relationships. Navigating the complex social networks of kids and teens can make it difficult to distance oneself from certain individuals. It’s important for young people to understand they don’t need to formally end every unwanted friendship; being civil and kind is sufficient. The article suggests politely declining invitations, avoiding negativity toward others, and prioritizing reciprocal, supportive friendships. As kids develop social-emotional skills, they learn to manage these situations, resolve conflicts, and set boundaries. Caregivers can support them by empathizing with their challenges, encouraging them to find ways to create space in unhealthy relationships, and reminding them that people change over time.
About Jessica Speer
Jessica Speer is the award-winning author of BFF or NRF (Not Really Friends)? A Girls Guide to Happy Friendships , Middle School – Safety Goggles Advised and The Phone Book. She has a master’s degree in social sciences and explores social-emotional topics in ways that connect with kids. For more information, visit JessicaSpeer.com.