Friendship Truth #7: We teach others how we want to be treated by speaking up.
This series of posts shares the nine Friendship Truths from BFF or NRF (Not Really Friends)? A Girls Guide to Happy Friendships – although they apply to all ages and genders. Here are links to the other posts in this series: Friendship Truth #1, Truth #2, Truth #3, Truth #4, Truth #5, Truth #6, Truth #7, Truth #8, Truth #9 and The Friendship Pyramid.
In BFF or NRF (Not Really Friends)? A Girls Guide to Happy Friendships, I share nine “friendship truths.” These truths help preteens and teens (and adults) navigate relationships with more social awareness.
Friendship Truth #7: We Teach Others How We Want to be Treated by Speaking Up.
During the preteen years, friendships, acceptance, and belonging assume a more significant role in children’s lives. Preteen and teen friendships may feel fragile, so it makes sense that kids may or may not speak up when someone is not treating them well. Additionally, speaking up effectively is a skill many children have not yet learned.
I remember a 4th grader telling me she was afraid to speak up because she “might get her head mowed off.” After more discussion, I learned she wasn’t scared of physical harm but unsure how her feedback to her friend would land. Her friend might stop being her friend, might not listen, or it might cause a strain in the friendship. All things she hoped to avoid.
This is where “I Statements” come in. Words matter a lot. Let’s start with a quiz:
Quiz: Which of These Statements Would You Rather Have Said to You?
A. “You need to help more. I’ve been doing all the work lately.”
B. “I feel overwhelmed by all of the work. Can we talk about that?”
You might prefer C. None of the above. These types of conversations are not easy to have. Yet they are an unavoidable part of being in a relationship. Given a choice, people prefer B.
Choice B is an “I statement” where the speaker owns their feelings and is assertive without criticizing or putting you on the defensive.
Choice A is a “you statement” that doesn’t identify feelings, incites blame, and may escalate the conflict. I do a similar quiz with kids, and they prefer I statements too.
Why Are Homes, Schools, and Playgrounds Filled With “You Statements”? (You should, you never, you better, etc.)
The main reason is habit. “You statements” are a common communication method. It takes conscious effort to break old patterns. Other reasons include fear of vulnerability and sharing feelings, as well as not being in touch with our emotions.
Using “I Statements” to Speak Up and Connect (Instead of Divide)
Alternatively, “I statements” are an effective way to speak up and resolve conflict. In BFF or NRF (Not Really Friends)? A Girls Guide to Happy Friendships, I call it “I Power.” Here’s a worksheet from my friendship program I used to help kids understand the concept. I found that kids enjoyed doing role-plays to practice using “I statements” as well as identifying what phrases to avoid, such as blaming statements and criticism.
How to Help with Friendship Truth #7: We Teach Others How We Want to be Treated by Speaking Up.
Even with “I Statements,” speaking up is difficult for many kids. Here are ways parents and caregivers can help:
- Help kids identify which situations merit speaking up. It would be exhausting if kids responded to every problem, snide comment, or misstep. Let kids take the lead in determining which situations warrant a response and which do not. Often, situations that are repeated or are harming the friendship need a response. For example, if another child is repeatedly making fun of them in a cruel way.
- Encourage kids to choose what they are comfortable saying and role-play with them. If a situation does not feel emotionally safe, kids might choose a simple statement, such as, “I want you to stop gossiping about me,” instead of sharing their feelings. Explore how tone of voice, body language, and posture are also important components of communication.
- Lastly, remind kids that speaking up can be difficult and requires practice, but it’s an essential skill that’s useful throughout their lives. By speaking up, we are teaching others how we want to be treated (Friendship Truth #7). Speaking up with “I statements” helps to ensure we are treating others with dignity, too.
About Jessica Speer
Jessica Speer is the award-winning author of BFF or NRF (Not Really Friends)? A Girls Guide to Happy Friendships, Middle School – Safety Goggles Advised and The Phone Book. She has a master’s degree in social sciences and explores social-emotional topics in ways that connect with kids. For more information, visit JessicaSpeer.com